Oh, The Insanity! Part 1

When we last saw our heroine, Clemntine had packed a duffle bag, gassed up the MomMobile and launched herself southward to spend the night in the lap of luxury...

I meant to leave at 2. I actually left at 3, and that was really fine. I mostly wanted to get an early start on the Solitude, so I wasn't stressed. Why stress?

::cue music::
Get your minivan runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for peace and quiet
Or whatever comes my way
BORN TO BE QUIIiiiIIIET
::fade music::

Long about Gainesville I encountered the Monsoon of 2007. It was raining like pouring pee out of a boot. It stayed like that for the better part of the next 50 or 800 miles. I began to seriously regret my decision not to stop at the Love's in Ardmore to answer what was then a faint and distant call of nature, said call having become a blaring air horn as I careened down the interstate through a curtain of rain at the breakneck speed of 24mph trying not to listen to the noise of the rain on the windshield and the roof and under the tires and forcryinoutPete, why didn't I just wear a Depends? That astronaut chick had a few things figured out, anyway. You don't get to be an astronaut by being stupid. You get to be an astronaut by consuming copious quantities of brussels sprouts, according to my mother, which explains perfectly how I came to be a Domestic Engineer and Headmistress of Grow Up Buttercup Academy. But I digress.

Oh, the rain! Sheets of rain, and a sky that was darker than God's pockets.

::cue music::
I made it through the rain
I kept my seat protected
I made it through the rain
I didn't pee my pants
I made it through the rain
My bladder not infected
Did the peepee dance
In a hypnotic trance
Across the Texas expanse...
::fade music::

Long about Hillsboro, the sky grew curiously bright. Remember I had just driven from The Land Of A Thousand Rains. 16 straight days of rain. Clouds and rain. I tried not to panic, but I had to call my mom and tell her that there was a large orange ball in the sky and it seemed to be following me. I told her not to worry, that I would use my Ninja Driving Tactics learned in public school drivers' ed and that orange ball would not be having ME for dinner. No siree!

Well, I eluded the mysterious ball of fire in the sky and made it to my 2 1/2-Star Moderate Plus hotel. It was a brand new Extended Stay America and it was most comfy. I freshened up and went out in search of dinner. I found it at a local TexMex place. Don't remember the name, but it wasn't a chain and the food was yummy. I went back to the hotel to enjoy the silence and sleep.

Saturday morning, I headed east into the corn fields to retrieve my children. Around the curve, Farm to Market roads, state highways and County Roads. Cows, corn, alpacas (!) and mud. Lots of muddy mud. Up a hill, down a hill and around the bend. Are we there yet? Why didn't I stop at the Starbucks off the highway? Finally, down the hill that leads to the turn in for the camp.

So much dirt and sand and deep ruts...what the...dangit!...no power steering!...jeepers...the engine light and the temperature light are blinking and the car's beeping and...

This is where I dazzle you with my vast and consummate knowledge of all things auto and mechanical:

I put key in car, car go vroom. Or, you know, not.