Tale of a 5th Grade Portrait

The year was 1977. The air was autumn-crisp and the skies a brilliant, touchable blue. The day I had waited for so long had finally arrived. It was Picture Day at Country Estates Elementary.

I donned my favorite, multicolored, V-neck wide collar shirt. I had been saving it for the occasion. I was never more hip, more cool, more dyn-o-MITE than when I wore The Shirt. It, and only it, was good enough for Picture Day. Wearing The Shirt, I placed a towel over my shoulders and knelt beside the pink porcelain tub in the green-shag-carpeted bathroom of the 800-square-foot rental I shared with my mother and my sister, both of whom were still asleep in these, the barely daylight hours of Picture Day. I set the water temperature and plunged my head beneath the faucet, making sure to thoroughly wet every curly strand. I arose. After toweling off my hair, I opened the cabinet door and let my hand come to rest on the Dippity-Do. I trembled just a little. Then I got to work.

When I was finished, I had achieved '70's Hair Perfection.

I walked to school, pink candy swirl pick safely in my back pocket. I would not be caught unprepared should the need of a touch-up arise. Somehow, I made it to Picture Time on Picture Day. That day, I knew God loved me and wanted me to be happy: Picture Time for the 5th grade came BEFORE lunch and recess. He had heard my pleas.

When it was my turn, I perched on the stool and gave my most grown-up Look of Bemusement just as I had rehearsed it in my room for the last two weeks. Then the photographer said something like "Boys are stinky" and because I'm a sucker for witty banter and repartee, I giggled like a 9 (and a HALF)-year-old. CLICK! Next!

The next two weeks were a mixture of agony and anticipation. Had I pulled it off? Would I really be The Fairest of Them All? Had I maintained the proportional perfection of radius and circumference? Oh, the questions! And then it happened. Mrs. Williams greeted us one morning with the news that our pictures had indeed arrived and that she would distribute them at the end of the school day. The room spun slightly. So close and yet so far...

Then, as The Longest Day drew to a dramatic close, Mrs. Williams passed between the desks, bestowing upon us our Photographic Fate, face down. I immediately turned my envelope over and there, at my desk in the second row, I beheld perfection. My wildest dreams had been realized. A vision, an absolute vision! The angels sang and I might've let just the tiniest tear escape as I gazed upon The Loveliness.

I had to wait for my mom to get home from work to show her. She smiled and, looking back, I believe she stifled a chuckle. I begged her to put a check in the Reorder Now! envelope. We would need SO MANY MORE Perfect Portraits than had come in the $7.00 School Daze package. She failed to see the importance and, as we were too broke to even pay attention, declined to Reorder Now!. I distributed the Wallet Size pictures very selectively among my best friends, rationing the wonderful to make it last as long as possible. And I kept one for myself.

I chose that photo for my profile because it suits me entirely, and at 39 (and a HALF), it's still how I see myself.