Why Don't I Have My Own TV Show?

So last Friday I decided to pull the trigger on the Great Redneck Room Swap '07. We have a 4 bedroom house and 4 kids. Up until Friday, TeenQueen (16) and Pixie (almost 11) shared one room, WonderBoy (nearly 8- YIKES!) and Baby Redneck (2.5) shared another room and we had a playroom with a second TV, the toys, the guinea pigs and a queen- sized sleeper sofa. Friday afternoon, all that changed.

At this point, I was envisioning myself as the director of Extreme Makeover, Bedroom Edition. I had on my lived- in-but-still-cute-enough-for-a- closeup yoga capris and a Chicago (the band, not the musical) tee shirt from the late '80's. Ponytail? Check. Paint chips? Check. Enthusiasm? Oh, checkidee doo da day! I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Pennington...

I told the kids to empty the playroom while I zipped over to my friendly neighborhood Home Depot. I could do it, I told myself, and they could help. Except, you know, NOT. The paint counter was mysteriously unmanned (or unwomanned, as the case may have been). But nothing was going to deter me. I had my Pool Multi Tie-Top Curtain and I approached the Periodic Table of Paint Color Possibilities. In the movie of my life (you know, the one where I'm played to subtle perfection by Rachel Dratch), the soundtrack to this scene will be Donna Fargo's Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A. "Shine on me sunshine, walk with me world it's a skipadee doo da day..."

An hour later, still no Paint Expert in an orange apron and I had looked at the dizzying array of colors so long that one of my eyeballs actually rolled out of my head and had to be retrieved from under the You Can Spackle! We Can Help! display. Pool Multi Curtain and I can take a hint. We blew that popstand and made a beeline to Lowe's.

At Lowe's, I was greeted by not one, but TWO Home Improvement Specialists. One was a fresh-faced youth who looked about 9 and the other was a hormonal pregnant woman. Oh, the evening was ripe with possibility. Ripe, I tell you.

When I left Lowe's at 9:30pm, I had tamed the Periodic Paint Table and narrowed the choice down to five possibilities, which Helpful Hormone Mama suggested through gritted teeth that I purchase in $2.50 Auditions 8oz. samples. I left with my samples, a roller and a bag of rags because, really, those raggy rags I have at home surely can't be good enough for Extreme Makeover, Bedroom Edition. Right? Right.

I walked in the door and found that my darling, obedient children had indeed emptied the playroom. Into the Living Room. Which was now ankle-deep in racetracks, Dora dolls and Game Cube wire. With just a little Silly Putty, I think I could've constructed a time machine, but darn it, I just didn't have the time.

We painted a few practice boards and I tried a couple of faux finishing techinques that I had seen on TV. Where they do entire houses in 30 minutes. Making us mere mortals thing we too are capable of DIY- greatness. I'm going to tell you this because I love each and every one of you and because most of you have quit reading long before now: faux finishing and pro wrestling have a lot in common. It is NOT what they make it out to be on TV. I'm just sayin'.

So, to recap, Friday at bed time, my living room looked like the Clean Sweep people's yard before the Keep, Sell, Toss segment and for my 4.5 hours of paint-shopping, I came home with enough to lightly coat Barbie's Townhouse and Beach Cabana. Once.

Since I don't seem to be capable of telling a story in just one session, I'll have to come back a little later (after a commercial break?) with the next installment. I'm calling it "Why Wasn't I Born Rich?"