Why Wasn't I Born Rich?

Because being poor has more comedic possibility. I'm sure that's why.

Saturday morning dawned bright and warm. Gadget Man went to get vitamin-rich, whole grain tofu-frosted...who am I kidding? He went for donuts so the kids could get all hopped up on sugar because nothing improves children's behavior quite like deep fried, sugar coated carb rings. I went to Sherwin Williams because starting ALL OVER sounded like such a smart plan in the overall let's-get-this-painting-party- started sense.

At Sherwin Williams, I was greeted by Eric. Eric was old enough to shave, so I knew I had made a wise choice. I described the project, showed him my lovely curtain and threw myself on his mercy. Nearly sqooshed the poor boy. He showed me his recommendation for color, demonstrated color-washing with paint and glaze and took me around the store helping me gather all of the necessary supplies. In less than half and hour, I was out of there with my confidence and my plan. I love Eric. I big-red-puffy-heart Eric. I want to marry him and have his little paint brush babies. But that would have to wait. I had painting to do.

When I got home, we got started. We taped and then we painted. While the paint was drying in preparation for the color wash, the older girls and I emptied their room.

Oh. My. Lord.

I won't go into details here because this is a family-friendly environment, but let me put it to you this way: Their room resembled a thrift store. On the wrong side of town. Run by racoons. BLIND racoons. Oh, the nastiness! And it was the worst kind of nastiness: Stealth Nastiness. Upon cursory glance, the room would look reasonably tidy. Oh, ho HO! That tidy facade was merely a ruse, my friends. Under the beds, in the closets and in every spare (hidden) inch of space was the most macabre assortment of wrappers, dirty clothes, cups, plates and sliverware ever seen by human eyes. Think Montel Show during Sweeps when they go to the house of the pathological pack rat. The only thing missing was a bald, black former marine. NO. WAIT. I think he was in there somewhere. GAH!!

So at 7pm I began to apply the color wash. I finished about 9 and, if I do say so myself, it looked GREAT! I'm wondering where Eric would like to honeymoon and whether Gadget Man would mind watching the kids while we're gone.... I kid. :~D

Well, with the room painted a lovely shade of colorwashed blue, I decided to reward myself. I vacuumed the empty room and then went to the garage to bring in my favorite grown- up toy of all time: The Hoover Steam Vac.

I'd like to take a moment here and extol the virtues of the Hoover Steam Vac. I'm a little bit addicted to carpet shampooing. I routinely (every 6 to 8 weeks or so) shampoo the high-traffic areas of our house. I have the house divided into sections and I do one section a week. The hum of the motor, the smell of the shampoo (heavy duty, pet-stain-and-odor-removing, outdoor fresh scent thankyouverymuch), and the sight of the grody gray dirty water that I pour down the sink in the utility room while exulting in the knowledge that my family isn't living on that crud any more. It's my little piece of heaven, people.

So I shampooed and went to bed, aching in ways I haven't ached since I took that dare on the band trip to the Rose Bowl in 1984. Don't ask. It was then that I realized that I really should have been born rich. If I were rich, I'd hire a decorator who would in turn hire painters who had some clue in Hades what they were doing and we would all be on vacation with in Cancun drinking fruity things with umbrellas in them. In this version of my life story, I'm also a stunning beauty who ROCKS the gold lame'.

I woke up on Sunday just as poor and twice as sore. Let the decorating begin!! Gadget Man moved the girls' beds and I ironed and hung curtains. We moved in an old TV stand to serve as a reading table between the two chairs and we made a critter corner for the hermit crabs and the guinea pigs. I personally oversaw the moving in and I can declare to you that, at least for this moment in time, there is no filth in the new blue room. I sleep better at night knowing that all of my silverware has been returned to the drawer. The girls love their new digs and everyone who has seen it has declared it fabulous. Success!

For my next trick, I washed the walls in the big girls' old room. They had been painted a couple of years ago, and still look pretty good. Then Mom and I went to Wal Mart (if Wal Mart don't have it, I don't need it, I always say) and bought Baby Redneck a toddler bed. It's a teensy little sleigh bed in natural finished solid wood. I put the bed together, moved her toys and clothes in and draped everything in Dora- ness. Dora bedspread, sheets, couch, and wall hangings. It's a shrine to an obnoxiously cheerful 5-year-old whose parents are so negligent that they let her travel the world chaperoned by a monkey with a shoe fetish. I've never been more proud.

I spent Monday cleaning up the residual mess and restoring the Redneck Domicile to it's customary state of disarray. Now I'm planning the redecorating of WonderBoy's room. He wants silver walls and Hoover vacuum cleaner signs. Okie dokey.